Tux Bomb

The time has come to attack a weighty issue, one with gravitas and import.  One familiar to women everywhere.  It’s a universal situation, and one with which most of us can identify:  attractiveness which stems from tuxedos.

A tuxedo is default attire for most gentlemen in orchestra/band, and in some choirs as well.  Its familiarity should breed contempt.  Yet somehow, I find myself getting more and more attracted to it as time goes by.  This is not healthy.  I know it.  But I can’t stop.

Let’s review the facts.  A tuxedo has a couple of pieces.  There are different kinds, of course.  Without delving deeply into technical jargon, here’s the review.  “Black-tie” tux is the shorter jacket, about the same length/shape as a normal blazer, generally worn with a black tie.  “White-tie” tux is the jacket with tails, typically paired with a white tie.  Both are worn with tux pants – black with a satin or silk or whatever stripe down the outside of the pant leg.  I know there are other options – cummerbunds, vests, vest fronts, whirts with certain types of buttons, cufflinks, suspenders, etc. – but this is the vital information.    

Tuxedos provide men with an automatic advantage when it comes to attractiveness.  A black tie tuxedo increases a man’s attractiveness quotient by a factor of 1.5.  For example:  take a decent-looking guy.  We’ll call him Bob.  Bob plays the trumpet.  A good instrument.  Bob’s got decent hair, nothing special, and he’s kind of tall but skinny, not buff.  In jeans and a button-down, Bob’s about a 6.  Not bad.  Now, put Bob in basic black tie.  ZING he’s now a 9.  A guy I know here at grad school who I consider a 9, in black tie, becomes a 13.5.  The black tie 1.5 is impressive.

White tie, depending somewhat on the guy, has an Attractiveness Quotient Augmentation Factor of 2.  The members of the freshmen gentlemen’s (and I use the term with the utmost looseness) choir at my undergrad wear white tie.  The average Basic Score for these guys is about a 2.5 (not always bad looking, but not the finest hygiene habits).  Put them in their tuxes, and they go up to about a 5.  They actually look decent.  Even unwashed.  The effect is better at a distance, though.

White tie, of course, reaches mind-blowing heights sometimes.  For certan, select persons, I have a theory:  the AQAF increases to a staggering 10.  Keep in mind, I have not yet had sufficient time or resources to properly test and document this, so it merely remains a theory.  But I believe this anomaly – I have tentatively labelled it the Fuck Me In Your Green Room Effect – is a valid scientific fact. 

I submit, as proof of its existence, 2 examples.  Let’s take a look at Simon Keenlyside, British baritone.  He’s no spring chicken, either; born in 1959.

In general, pretty good:

Now in white tie, singing “Largo al factotum” (Youtube it if you haven’t seen it.  You won’t regret it):

Need I say more?

I will anyway.  Besides, the Rossini might account for some of the above.  But the example of Dr. Beauregard proves my point indisputably.  In normal clothes (and I hate to admit it, but he doesn’t always dress very well), he is a 9.5.  In white tie, he immediately becomes a 95, a prime example of Fuck Me In Your Green Room.

It must be noted that a further anomaly exists as well – in what I call White Tie Undone, when he’s backstage before a concert in the tux without the jacket, and the collar’s open because he hasn’t yet put on the tie, and you can see his vest front, the clip in the back, and the suspenders, Dr. B undergoes an unprecedented transformation, in which the AQAF skyrockets to a factor of 20 and he becomes a 190.  This is a variation of the Fuck Me In Your Green Room Effect, the still-hypothetical Fuck Me Anywhere, Right Now Effect. 

I have yet to figure out if this can be found in other men, or if I just love him a deeply unhealthy amount.  Stay tuned for that.

But the tuxedo is a universally flattering garment.  It’s the male equivalent of the Little Black Dress.  Sort of.  The black is generally very flattering.  And consider: a man who takes the time to get a tux generally puts in the effort to get one that fits properly, so the tux is often the best-fitting piece of clothing the man owns.

And well-dressed is nothing if not well-accessorized, so one last thing.  I don’t understand all the rules about when to wear cummerbund versus vest, etc.  But let’s get one thing straight.  Suspenders are fucking hot.  Because every time Dr. B is in White Tie Undone, and I see those suspenders, I spend so much time fantasizing about sliding them off his shoulders that I almost (almost) forget to stare at his ass.  Added bonus:  In the youtube of Simon Keenlyside, he's wearing red ones.  Makes me love him even more.

In conclusion, I submit that tuxedos are wonderful.  Let us rejoice for them.  Let us adore them.  Let us thank them.  Then let us tear them off.  Forever and ever, amen.