Previously, in "The Magic Flute:" Dainty Prince Tamino responded to the overture by swooning and letting the Andrews Sisters the Spice Girls die Walkyrie the Rhein Maidens the Three Ladies kill the giant snake. He falls in love with Pamina, who rivals Juliet as the most pointless and useless heroine of all time. There's a comical oaf named Papageno. The Queen of the Night is badass but evil; King Sarastro is boring as shit but good. Now, for the exciting conclusion.
ACT II
A parade! I love parades! We’re in a Sacred Place, decorated with Sacred Trees and Sacred Pillars built from Sacred Legos. In come Sarastro and his Sacred Homeboys. They discuss Princess Tammy.
SARASTRO: . . . so I think we can teach him the club handshake.
SACRED HOMEBOY: But it’s sekrit!
A PRIEST: Is he virtuous?
SARASTRO: How would I know? I met him last act.
ANOTHER PRIEST: Can he be silent?
SARASTRO: Probably not. He’s a tenor.
YET ANOTHER PRIEST: Is he filled with good will?
SARASTRO: Suuuuuuuure . . . *some Bb major trumpet blasts for no apparent reason, but since they’re major triads I think we can assume that was a ‘yes’* Thanks, guys. Tamino’s a doll. And his girlfriend’s pretty nice.
SOME OTHER GUY: Hey, are you sure Princess Tamino has balls enough for this? I mean, the guy can sing, but he’s no Indiana Jones. He fainted like forty seconds after the overture ended, remember?
SARASTRO: But he’s a Manly Man! . . . yeah, okay, not even I believe that one.
THAT SAME GUY AGAIN: What if he faints again? Or dies? Or his hair loses its oomf?
SARASTRO: Well, the show would be shorter. Anyway, bring in the kid, let’s pow-wow.
(This guy is apparently important; we will keep seeing him, but he’s not really a priest. We don’t know his name. We’re not really sure he has one. We will call him Spokesman, because he is a man. And he spokes.)
So: Spokesman leaves so we can get on to the Slowest Aria Ever. Beautiful and melodic, but man, Sarastro’s got some breath control. The air pressure in the theater drops a little by the end of some of those phrases. Way to rock the low F’s, dude. And, in doing so, reminding everyone just who the manliest man in this opera is.
When the Aria Of Bass Awesome ends, Sarastro and the Sacred Men In Tights leave, even though he just asked for Tamino to be brought in. Apparently the first part of the trials is hide and seek.
(Next scene)
Elsewhere in the foothills of Mount Doom, Tamino Baggins and Birdwise Papagamgee are on the Sacred Backpacking Adventure. Papageno is afraid of the dark, which is kind of funny because, if you’ll recall, Tamino’s the one who passed out forty measures into the show with his petticoats all abuzz.
SACRED HOMEBOY: What do you want, Princess?
TAMINO: Friendship and love. And a Shirley Temple, if you’ve got one.
HOMEBOY: Are you sure you want to do this?
TAMINO: Yup.
HOMEBOY: Are you positive?
TAMINO: Uh-huh.
HOMEBOY: Even if your hair gets a little muddy?
TAMINO: FUCK NO.
HOMEBOY: zomg, jk! lol! No, but seriously, you might die.
TAMINO: No I won’t. This is a comic-ish opera and I’m a romantic lead.
HOMEBOY: OK, just wanted to be sure. Papageno?
PAPAGENO: No thanks.
ONE OF THE PRIESTS: But you’ll get a girl.
PAPAGENO: Bros b4 hos, man.
THAT SAME PRIEST AGAIN: Isn’t that what you’ve been bitching about since act one? C’mon, her name is Papagena.
PAPAGENO: . . . okay maybe.
PRIEST: That’s the spirit!
HOMEBOY: OK kids, first test? The Sacred Quiet Game. Starttiiiiiiing – NOW!
TAMINO: *is stoic and looks manly, while silently swearing at the fact that the main romantic lead in the whole damn opera has to play the quiet game. Oh, the irony*
PRIEST AND SPOKESMAN: Women are treacherous. Resist their feminine wiles.
While Schikaneder is busy being just a tiny little bit misogynistic, because in 1791 you didn’t have to pretend you cared about feminism, Priest and Spokesman leave. And, conveniently, in sail the Three Ladies of Temptation!
LADIES: You two are sharkbait!
PAPAGENO: OMGNO!
TAMINO: OMGSHUTUP!
LADIES: The Queen is coming!
PAPAGENO: OMGNOOOOOO!
TAMINO: OMGSHUTUUUUUUP!
LADIES: I hear everyone who hangs out here is a total LOSER. From Losery Loserville.
TAMINO: LALALALA I CAN’T HEAR THEM.
PAPAGENO: But I don’t want to be a loser!
TAMINO: They’re just women. Don’t listen.
LADIES: You know what? We’re leaving. You guys suck.
They leave, but not before everyone sings how men are strong and women are weak because men always think before they speak.
. . . BAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA . . .
Anyway, the Ladies take off.
DISEMBODIED VOICES: OMG, girl cooties in the Sacredy Sacred Place!
(Next scene)
Spokesman and Priest #2 come in to talk to our heroes. Tamino gets a gold star, passes GO and collects $200. Papageno cries. Second Priest verbally bitchslaps him and refuses to explain why Papageno has to go through all this rot just to get a girlfriend. Silly Papageno! It’s because you’re Comic Relief Baritone. If you got to leave, it’d just be two more hours of tenor arias. And as much fun as it would be to see Tamino pass out from high A’s, it probably wouldn’t be good for him.
(Next scene)
Elrond’s Palace of Opera. Apparently Pamina, in her continual danger and terror, is perfectly happy dozing off in the middle of a garden alone. Naturally, this is the perfect time for Token Black Character to creep in. Monastatos launches into a kind of unexpected Creeper Aria of OMG, I’m A Person Too And I Want To Be Loved. And By Loved I Mean – oh, ewwww, I’m totally not going there.
The Queen suddenly appears, and everyone sits up and starts paying attention, because admit it, this is pretty much the only reason you’re here. You’re not fooling me. You sure as hell aren’t here for the plot. Pamina’s all Uh-Oh, because Mommy Dearest really doesn’t like Sarastro. Mom blathers something about a Circle of the Sun, yadda yadda. Who cares? Stop attempting CPR on the plot, woman! Just fucking sing!
MONASTATOS: (aside) Fuck the plot. I need a drink. *scurries off like a creeper*
QUEEN: You must keel Sarastro! *gives Pamina a knife*
PAMINA: Why? I don’t even know what the Circle of the Sun is.
QUEEN: Shush!
PAMINA: Do you really have to sing right now?
But it’s too late. So everyone sits back and straps in for the Arpeggios of Hot DAMN, because that’s all we’re really waiting for at this point.
QUEEN: If you don’t kill him, you’re in trouble. Doodle-oodle-oo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-d
PAMINA: Okay, I get it already.
QUEEN: Too bad, we haven’t even hit the triplets yet! Crank that bitch up to eleven, Frank, I’m going to town! Abandoned, broken, forsaken, nature, bonds, random shit! DOO-DLE-OO DOO-DLE-OO DOO-DLE-OO DOO-DLE-OO DOO-DLE-OO –
(Basic idea here: if Pamina doesn’t Avada Kedavra King Elvis, the High Priest of Bass, she will be officially disowned. Complete end of plot point.)
Moving swiftly along – after the Aria of Gaaaaahhhhh!! *flails* ends, the Queen stands still for like an hour while everyone claps like crazy, then she splits, heads back to her dressing room, and breaks out the Jack Daniels. Because she has just made Mozart her bitch.
A parade! I love parades! We’re in a Sacred Place, decorated with Sacred Trees and Sacred Pillars built from Sacred Legos. In come Sarastro and his Sacred Homeboys. They discuss Princess Tammy.
SARASTRO: . . . so I think we can teach him the club handshake.
SACRED HOMEBOY: But it’s sekrit!
A PRIEST: Is he virtuous?
SARASTRO: How would I know? I met him last act.
ANOTHER PRIEST: Can he be silent?
SARASTRO: Probably not. He’s a tenor.
YET ANOTHER PRIEST: Is he filled with good will?
SARASTRO: Suuuuuuuure . . . *some Bb major trumpet blasts for no apparent reason, but since they’re major triads I think we can assume that was a ‘yes’* Thanks, guys. Tamino’s a doll. And his girlfriend’s pretty nice.
SOME OTHER GUY: Hey, are you sure Princess Tamino has balls enough for this? I mean, the guy can sing, but he’s no Indiana Jones. He fainted like forty seconds after the overture ended, remember?
SARASTRO: But he’s a Manly Man! . . . yeah, okay, not even I believe that one.
THAT SAME GUY AGAIN: What if he faints again? Or dies? Or his hair loses its oomf?
SARASTRO: Well, the show would be shorter. Anyway, bring in the kid, let’s pow-wow.
(This guy is apparently important; we will keep seeing him, but he’s not really a priest. We don’t know his name. We’re not really sure he has one. We will call him Spokesman, because he is a man. And he spokes.)
So: Spokesman leaves so we can get on to the Slowest Aria Ever. Beautiful and melodic, but man, Sarastro’s got some breath control. The air pressure in the theater drops a little by the end of some of those phrases. Way to rock the low F’s, dude. And, in doing so, reminding everyone just who the manliest man in this opera is.
When the Aria Of Bass Awesome ends, Sarastro and the Sacred Men In Tights leave, even though he just asked for Tamino to be brought in. Apparently the first part of the trials is hide and seek.
(Next scene)
Elsewhere in the foothills of Mount Doom, Tamino Baggins and Birdwise Papagamgee are on the Sacred Backpacking Adventure. Papageno is afraid of the dark, which is kind of funny because, if you’ll recall, Tamino’s the one who passed out forty measures into the show with his petticoats all abuzz.
SACRED HOMEBOY: What do you want, Princess?
TAMINO: Friendship and love. And a Shirley Temple, if you’ve got one.
HOMEBOY: Are you sure you want to do this?
TAMINO: Yup.
HOMEBOY: Are you positive?
TAMINO: Uh-huh.
HOMEBOY: Even if your hair gets a little muddy?
TAMINO: FUCK NO.
HOMEBOY: zomg, jk! lol! No, but seriously, you might die.
TAMINO: No I won’t. This is a comic-ish opera and I’m a romantic lead.
HOMEBOY: OK, just wanted to be sure. Papageno?
PAPAGENO: No thanks.
ONE OF THE PRIESTS: But you’ll get a girl.
PAPAGENO: Bros b4 hos, man.
THAT SAME PRIEST AGAIN: Isn’t that what you’ve been bitching about since act one? C’mon, her name is Papagena.
PAPAGENO: . . . okay maybe.
PRIEST: That’s the spirit!
HOMEBOY: OK kids, first test? The Sacred Quiet Game. Starttiiiiiiing – NOW!
TAMINO: *is stoic and looks manly, while silently swearing at the fact that the main romantic lead in the whole damn opera has to play the quiet game. Oh, the irony*
PRIEST AND SPOKESMAN: Women are treacherous. Resist their feminine wiles.
While Schikaneder is busy being just a tiny little bit misogynistic, because in 1791 you didn’t have to pretend you cared about feminism, Priest and Spokesman leave. And, conveniently, in sail the Three Ladies of Temptation!
LADIES: You two are sharkbait!
PAPAGENO: OMGNO!
TAMINO: OMGSHUTUP!
LADIES: The Queen is coming!
PAPAGENO: OMGNOOOOOO!
TAMINO: OMGSHUTUUUUUUP!
LADIES: I hear everyone who hangs out here is a total LOSER. From Losery Loserville.
TAMINO: LALALALA I CAN’T HEAR THEM.
PAPAGENO: But I don’t want to be a loser!
TAMINO: They’re just women. Don’t listen.
LADIES: You know what? We’re leaving. You guys suck.
They leave, but not before everyone sings how men are strong and women are weak because men always think before they speak.
. . . BAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA . . .
Anyway, the Ladies take off.
DISEMBODIED VOICES: OMG, girl cooties in the Sacredy Sacred Place!
(Next scene)
Spokesman and Priest #2 come in to talk to our heroes. Tamino gets a gold star, passes GO and collects $200. Papageno cries. Second Priest verbally bitchslaps him and refuses to explain why Papageno has to go through all this rot just to get a girlfriend. Silly Papageno! It’s because you’re Comic Relief Baritone. If you got to leave, it’d just be two more hours of tenor arias. And as much fun as it would be to see Tamino pass out from high A’s, it probably wouldn’t be good for him.
(Next scene)
Elrond’s Palace of Opera. Apparently Pamina, in her continual danger and terror, is perfectly happy dozing off in the middle of a garden alone. Naturally, this is the perfect time for Token Black Character to creep in. Monastatos launches into a kind of unexpected Creeper Aria of OMG, I’m A Person Too And I Want To Be Loved. And By Loved I Mean – oh, ewwww, I’m totally not going there.
The Queen suddenly appears, and everyone sits up and starts paying attention, because admit it, this is pretty much the only reason you’re here. You’re not fooling me. You sure as hell aren’t here for the plot. Pamina’s all Uh-Oh, because Mommy Dearest really doesn’t like Sarastro. Mom blathers something about a Circle of the Sun, yadda yadda. Who cares? Stop attempting CPR on the plot, woman! Just fucking sing!
MONASTATOS: (aside) Fuck the plot. I need a drink. *scurries off like a creeper*
QUEEN: You must keel Sarastro! *gives Pamina a knife*
PAMINA: Why? I don’t even know what the Circle of the Sun is.
QUEEN: Shush!
PAMINA: Do you really have to sing right now?
But it’s too late. So everyone sits back and straps in for the Arpeggios of Hot DAMN, because that’s all we’re really waiting for at this point.
QUEEN: If you don’t kill him, you’re in trouble. Doodle-oodle-oo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-d
PAMINA: Okay, I get it already.
QUEEN: Too bad, we haven’t even hit the triplets yet! Crank that bitch up to eleven, Frank, I’m going to town! Abandoned, broken, forsaken, nature, bonds, random shit! DOO-DLE-OO DOO-DLE-OO DOO-DLE-OO DOO-DLE-OO DOO-DLE-OO –
(Basic idea here: if Pamina doesn’t Avada Kedavra King Elvis, the High Priest of Bass, she will be officially disowned. Complete end of plot point.)
Moving swiftly along – after the Aria of Gaaaaahhhhh!! *flails* ends, the Queen stands still for like an hour while everyone claps like crazy, then she splits, heads back to her dressing room, and breaks out the Jack Daniels. Because she has just made Mozart her bitch.
Monastatos wanders back in and catches Pamina whining again – who’s surprised? – and naturally he decides it’s a great time to propose.
PAMINA: Damn hell shit fuck no.
MONASTATOS: It’s because I’m black, isn’t it?
Back then, this was still OK to do! But he’s not happy about it. Right on cue, Sarastro walks in and sends Monastatos out, leaving Sarastro alone with the girl whose mother just said to KEEL him.
SARASTRO: So.
PAMINA: . . . oh shit.
SARASTRO: It’s okay, I know everything. And as long as you don’t stab me, we’re still friends, even though I’m making your boyfriend navigate the Sacred Obstacle Course.
PAMINA: Thanks. That could have been awkward. Now let’s –
SARASTRO: Let me explain.
He sings a lot about something to assure her she’s not in trouble. Pamina tries really hard to look like she’s paying attention. After the Aria of Two Unnecessary Verses ends, they both leave.
Now we launch back into Somewhere In Sacredville. Tamino and Papageno are led in by two priests, who tell them to Just Don’t Talk At All – No, For Real This Time – and then leave them alone.
PAPAGENO: Tamino!
TAMINO: OMG, will you shut the fuck UP?
Word, Girlyman! An old lady walks in and offers Papageno water. Obviously he has never read the Basic Guide To Really, Really Predictable Plot Twists In Mozart Operas, so he takes the water and starts chatting with her.
PAPAGENO: Have you got a boyfriend, Crazy Old Lady?
CRAZY OLD LADY: Yup.
PAPAGENO: What’s his name, Crazy Old Lady?
CRAZY OLD LADY: Papageno!
Whoa! Completely out of left field there. I totally didn’t see that coming like six miles away. With both eyes closed. Nope. EXCEPT I TOTALLY FUCKING DID.
Now that I’ve recovered from that mild heart attack, Papageno is all WHAAAA??? She leaves before he gets her name. Tamino is slowly recovering from the shock of not being the most important person in the previous scene. Now: the arrival of the Three Boys Of The Plot Has Dead-Ended. Again.
BOYS: OK, listen up. Here’s the flute, the bells, and some food. Papageno, shut up. We’re serious.
They leave. Papageno goes OM NOM NOM COMIC BARITONE EAT FOOD NOW NOM NOM. Tamino plays sweet, sweet melodies on the flute. OK there, Ron Burgundy. If you honestly think that’s gonna help you get the girl. But apparently it does, because Pamina dances in. Geez, what’s her problem now? You’d think she would go out for a drink or something so we could get back to the – oh wait, sorry. For a second I thought there was a plot she was interrupting. My bad.
PAMINA: Damn hell shit fuck no.
MONASTATOS: It’s because I’m black, isn’t it?
Back then, this was still OK to do! But he’s not happy about it. Right on cue, Sarastro walks in and sends Monastatos out, leaving Sarastro alone with the girl whose mother just said to KEEL him.
SARASTRO: So.
PAMINA: . . . oh shit.
SARASTRO: It’s okay, I know everything. And as long as you don’t stab me, we’re still friends, even though I’m making your boyfriend navigate the Sacred Obstacle Course.
PAMINA: Thanks. That could have been awkward. Now let’s –
SARASTRO: Let me explain.
He sings a lot about something to assure her she’s not in trouble. Pamina tries really hard to look like she’s paying attention. After the Aria of Two Unnecessary Verses ends, they both leave.
Now we launch back into Somewhere In Sacredville. Tamino and Papageno are led in by two priests, who tell them to Just Don’t Talk At All – No, For Real This Time – and then leave them alone.
PAPAGENO: Tamino!
TAMINO: OMG, will you shut the fuck UP?
Word, Girlyman! An old lady walks in and offers Papageno water. Obviously he has never read the Basic Guide To Really, Really Predictable Plot Twists In Mozart Operas, so he takes the water and starts chatting with her.
PAPAGENO: Have you got a boyfriend, Crazy Old Lady?
CRAZY OLD LADY: Yup.
PAPAGENO: What’s his name, Crazy Old Lady?
CRAZY OLD LADY: Papageno!
Whoa! Completely out of left field there. I totally didn’t see that coming like six miles away. With both eyes closed. Nope. EXCEPT I TOTALLY FUCKING DID.
Now that I’ve recovered from that mild heart attack, Papageno is all WHAAAA??? She leaves before he gets her name. Tamino is slowly recovering from the shock of not being the most important person in the previous scene. Now: the arrival of the Three Boys Of The Plot Has Dead-Ended. Again.
BOYS: OK, listen up. Here’s the flute, the bells, and some food. Papageno, shut up. We’re serious.
They leave. Papageno goes OM NOM NOM COMIC BARITONE EAT FOOD NOW NOM NOM. Tamino plays sweet, sweet melodies on the flute. OK there, Ron Burgundy. If you honestly think that’s gonna help you get the girl. But apparently it does, because Pamina dances in. Geez, what’s her problem now? You’d think she would go out for a drink or something so we could get back to the – oh wait, sorry. For a second I thought there was a plot she was interrupting. My bad.
Now remember, Sassy Gay Tamino can’t talk to women! Oh, the heart-rending suspense!
PAMINA: I heard the Girliest Weapon Ever and I knew it was you! Hey, hon!
TAMINO: mmmnnfmmbshn.
I’m not sure exactly what’s going on – not new – but basically she gets miffed because Tamino won’t talk to her.
PAMINA: Talk to me, babe!
TAMINO: mmmmmmmshnfrrrgmm.
PAMINA: Did you just call me fat? Is that what you’re doing now? Why do you hate me?
You’d think he could write down NO TALK NOW so she would shush and go away, but apparently no, that would be too easy. She decides life is no longer worth living, because the (sassy gay) guy she met last act now won’t talk to her. What is this, sixth grade?
At this point, Pamina decides to sing about her feelings. Nobody knows why, but that doesn’t stop her. Because after all, nothing says WAAHHHHHH like high Bb’s. She finally leaves after singing her Aria Of Boring As Shit. Wait, sorry – that would be the Aria Of Boring As Shit Because After the Queen Of The Night’s Bigass Aria Of Stabnation And Crazy, You’re Done Watching This Pointless Train Wreck.
PAMINA: I heard the Girliest Weapon Ever and I knew it was you! Hey, hon!
TAMINO: mmmnnfmmbshn.
I’m not sure exactly what’s going on – not new – but basically she gets miffed because Tamino won’t talk to her.
PAMINA: Talk to me, babe!
TAMINO: mmmmmmmshnfrrrgmm.
PAMINA: Did you just call me fat? Is that what you’re doing now? Why do you hate me?
You’d think he could write down NO TALK NOW so she would shush and go away, but apparently no, that would be too easy. She decides life is no longer worth living, because the (sassy gay) guy she met last act now won’t talk to her. What is this, sixth grade?
At this point, Pamina decides to sing about her feelings. Nobody knows why, but that doesn’t stop her. Because after all, nothing says WAAHHHHHH like high Bb’s. She finally leaves after singing her Aria Of Boring As Shit. Wait, sorry – that would be the Aria Of Boring As Shit Because After the Queen Of The Night’s Bigass Aria Of Stabnation And Crazy, You’re Done Watching This Pointless Train Wreck.
The random odd trumpets sound again (seriously, what is their fucking PROBLEM?) and Tamino says they need to get going. Papageno is obstinate, because Comic Relief Baritones are Comically Obstinate, but finally goes with him.
Now: a Sacred Procession. The choir – men only, mind you – cheers for Girly Prince Rocky. Sarastro brings him in. “Gonna Fly Now” floats through the Sacred Hall.
TAMINO: I was kind of hoping for some Taylor Swift, ackshully.
SARASTRO: Bitch, I will cut you.
Pamina comes in and is dumb, so she doesn’t see Tamino, even though he’s RIGHT THERE.
PAMINA: Wow, this place is a real rathole. Where’s my Sassy Gay Friend?
SARASTRO: He’s waiting to say goodbye.
PAMINA: OMGWTF???
TAMINO: SUGARPUMPKIN I’M SO SORRY!
PAMINA: So we’ll NEVER meet again?
SARASTRO: Didn’t you two just meet like half an hour ago?
TAMINO: Sweetheart!
PAMINA: Darling, I pine for you! Sweet love! Oh bitter, bitter pain of parting!
SARASTRO: Guys, seriously, it’s like 20 minutes. He’ll be right back.
PAMINA: Oh, Tamino!
TAMINO: Oh, Pamina!
PAMINA: OMG! *sobs* You wouldn’t go if you loved me!
TAMINO: OMG! *sobs* I am overcome with sheer manly emotion! I must go!
PAMINA: *sobs more*
SARASTRO: This is getting sickening.
They leave; the audience breathes a collective sigh of ohthankGOD; ushers collect the used barf bags.
SARASTRO: Bitch, I will cut you.
Pamina comes in and is dumb, so she doesn’t see Tamino, even though he’s RIGHT THERE.
PAMINA: Wow, this place is a real rathole. Where’s my Sassy Gay Friend?
SARASTRO: He’s waiting to say goodbye.
PAMINA: OMGWTF???
TAMINO: SUGARPUMPKIN I’M SO SORRY!
PAMINA: So we’ll NEVER meet again?
SARASTRO: Didn’t you two just meet like half an hour ago?
TAMINO: Sweetheart!
PAMINA: Darling, I pine for you! Sweet love! Oh bitter, bitter pain of parting!
SARASTRO: Guys, seriously, it’s like 20 minutes. He’ll be right back.
PAMINA: Oh, Tamino!
TAMINO: Oh, Pamina!
PAMINA: OMG! *sobs* You wouldn’t go if you loved me!
TAMINO: OMG! *sobs* I am overcome with sheer manly emotion! I must go!
PAMINA: *sobs more*
SARASTRO: This is getting sickening.
They leave; the audience breathes a collective sigh of ohthankGOD; ushers collect the used barf bags.
Since we just got a big emotional drain, naturally, Comic Relief Baritone appears. Papageno wanders in with no clue where Princess Tammy is. Spokesman comes in too.
SPOKESMAN: You will never learn the Sacred Frat House chant.
PAPAGENO: Just give me wine.
SPOKESMAN: *gives him wine, leaves*
PAPAGENO: Heyyyyyyyy!
He launches into a charming Aria of I Want A Girlfriend – No, For Real This Time – and accompanies himself with the bells. Crazy Old Creeper Woman comes dancing back in.
CRAZY OLD WOMAN: So, yes or no? I’m your last chance.
PAPAGENO: Sure, but I’ll cheat on you.
OLD WOMAN: OK! *becomes Papagena, a pretty little bird girl* How about now?
PAPAGENO: OMGYAY, you’re not a hag and you have headlights! Let’s make like a stone and henge.
SPOKESMAN: HOLD IT, you’re not worthy of her yet, Birdman. *Papagena leaves*
PAPAGENO: WHAT THE HELL DOES A GUY HAVE TO DO TO GET SOME ASS IN THIS FUCKING SHOW?
(Next scene)
The Three Boys - Deus, Ex, and Machina - come skipping back in to helpfully point out stuff happening onstage for audience members with poor eyesight. They sing something about dawn, because apparently it’ll be morning soon, but add that Pamina has lost her marbles. Sure enough, she comes in singing to her dagger, something about embracing it and being its bride. Yep. She’s about three fries short of a Happy Meal right now.
THE BOYS: What up, yo?
PAMINA: omg my bf ttly duznt luv me ne mor *cryz*
BOYS: That’s . . . too bad . . . ??
PAMINA: So I’ll let Mom’s gift end my life.
Ohhhhhh, I get it! That’s the knife she was supposed to use to kill Sarastro. I get it now. She’s going to kill herself with it instead. Wow, the subtle complexity of the plot! The amazing continuity! I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR!
Sorry, I didn’t get that at first. Now it makes sense. Anyway, the boys are a little worried, but they don’t actually do anything to help. That would be too easy. Let Tamino take Carrie to the prom.
PAMINA: My boyf hates me! No reason to live!
BOYS: No he doesn’t. The audience, though…
Everybody leaves. But not you. Because it’s NOT OVER YET, BITCHES.
(Next scene)
Back to the Sacred Obstacle Course. Tamino is hanging out with yet two more guys who apparently work for Sarastro.
TWO GUYS: Aha! The deadly fire and water test! You will surely never survive this!
TAMINO: I am noble and fearless! And way too damn pretty to get hurt.
He spends some time firing up the brain cells, setting the perfect Princely Hair smoking as he overworks the gears up in the Lead Tenor Supa-Smart Thinky Center. And because this couldn’t get any worse . . . Pamina comes in. Apparently Tamino can talk to her now. Even though he already has talked to her, during their OMGGGGGGG *angst* Trio with Sarastro. But really, is anyone even trying to follow the plot anymore?
TAMINO: ZOMG!
PAMINA: ZOMG! *tackleglomp*
This is deep and moving. Their love is such a beautiful flower.
PAMINA: I’m here to help!
TAMINO: YAY! *lolz*
Aww, how cute. Together, the princess and his girlfriend . . . walk past some red light and then walk past some blue light and OH COME ON YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST HAD REAL FIRE OR CROCODILES OR FUCKING RABID SQUIRRELS OR SOMETHING. THAT WAS TOTALLY LAME. I HATE ALL OF YOU AND YOUR FUCKING LOW BUDGETS.
A choir sings a song of praise.
CHOIR: Shit, they made it.
And everyone leaves.
(Next scene)
Back on the forest moon of Endor, Papageno whines about losing Papagena. He spends four pages telling us that he’s going to hang himself in misery. DO IT!
PAPAGENO: No, seriously, I’ll do it! I will! I’m gonna do it! I have a rope right here! I’ll do it! Don’t try to stop me!
*nobody tries to stop him*
PAPAGENO: That’s it! I’m doing it! For real! I’m not kidding! I’m serious here! I’ll do it!
The Three Boys appear just in the nick of time. Gosh, it’s so suspenseful when that happens.
BOYS: What is it with you people? Come on, there’s going to be a big final chorus at the end, you can’t die now.
PAPAGENO: But omg, I don’t have a girlfriend!
BOYS: Ring your damn bells, dumbass.
PAPAGENO: Whoops. I forgot about those. *rings bells*
Papagena comes in. Wow, that was actually a lot easier than I thought it was going to be.
PAPAGENA: Pa!
PAPAGENO: Pa!
PAPAGENA: Pa pa pa!
PAPAGENO: Pa pa pa pa!
PAPAGENA: Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa!
PAPAGENO: Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa –
You get the picture. They sing some more about having lots of kids – way TMI there, guys – and then leave.
(Next scene)
All right! Woo! Finally, some sneakiness. Queen Shazaam and the three Pink Power Rangers are stealthing around the Sacred House Of Plotless with Token Black Guy.
MONASTATOS: OMG, shhhhhh! Remember, I help you and I get to marry your daughter.
QUEEN: Deal.
They hear thunder and water in the distance. Ooooooooohhh! Spooky!
ALL FIVE OF THEM: We’re gonna beat the shit out of Sarastro’s people! Fire up the Megazord! *a fully diminished Bb chord* DAMN IT, WE LOST!
They all go prancing offstage in what has to be the most anticlimactic battle scene ever devised because there WAS NO FUCKING BATTLE. Bb, Db, E AND G ARE NOT A FUCKING BATTLE. FUCK YOU ALL.
We kind of morph out of that place without really knowing how, and are now elsewhere. Oh, how nice - we’re back in the Sacred Lego Kingdom with Sarastro and his Sacred Posse, Tamino and Pamina, and some more Sacred People. I can’t tell if Papageno and Birdey-Wifey are there or not, but to be honest with you, I really don’t give a flying shit at this point.
And now there’s a wedding. I think. Wait, where’s Queen Vader? That was it? Are you kidding me? The woman hits F6 and she doesn’t even get an awesome stage death with fake blood and shrieking? That’s bullshit. I quit. This sucks. I am never singing the part of the Queen and you can’t make me.
And of course we need a big closing number, so everybody sings about Tamino and Pamina.
CHORUS OF VARIOUS SACREDISH PEOPLE: We now pronounce you Sassy Gay Friend and Whiny Princess. L’chaim.
The curtain falls and we end in Eb major. Because that’s exactly where we started. Now please excuse me. I have seen this opera four times. I’m going to go drink until I forget that any of it ever happened.
SPOKESMAN: You will never learn the Sacred Frat House chant.
PAPAGENO: Just give me wine.
SPOKESMAN: *gives him wine, leaves*
PAPAGENO: Heyyyyyyyy!
He launches into a charming Aria of I Want A Girlfriend – No, For Real This Time – and accompanies himself with the bells. Crazy Old Creeper Woman comes dancing back in.
CRAZY OLD WOMAN: So, yes or no? I’m your last chance.
PAPAGENO: Sure, but I’ll cheat on you.
OLD WOMAN: OK! *becomes Papagena, a pretty little bird girl* How about now?
PAPAGENO: OMGYAY, you’re not a hag and you have headlights! Let’s make like a stone and henge.
SPOKESMAN: HOLD IT, you’re not worthy of her yet, Birdman. *Papagena leaves*
PAPAGENO: WHAT THE HELL DOES A GUY HAVE TO DO TO GET SOME ASS IN THIS FUCKING SHOW?
(Next scene)
The Three Boys - Deus, Ex, and Machina - come skipping back in to helpfully point out stuff happening onstage for audience members with poor eyesight. They sing something about dawn, because apparently it’ll be morning soon, but add that Pamina has lost her marbles. Sure enough, she comes in singing to her dagger, something about embracing it and being its bride. Yep. She’s about three fries short of a Happy Meal right now.
THE BOYS: What up, yo?
PAMINA: omg my bf ttly duznt luv me ne mor *cryz*
BOYS: That’s . . . too bad . . . ??
PAMINA: So I’ll let Mom’s gift end my life.
Ohhhhhh, I get it! That’s the knife she was supposed to use to kill Sarastro. I get it now. She’s going to kill herself with it instead. Wow, the subtle complexity of the plot! The amazing continuity! I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR!
Sorry, I didn’t get that at first. Now it makes sense. Anyway, the boys are a little worried, but they don’t actually do anything to help. That would be too easy. Let Tamino take Carrie to the prom.
PAMINA: My boyf hates me! No reason to live!
BOYS: No he doesn’t. The audience, though…
Everybody leaves. But not you. Because it’s NOT OVER YET, BITCHES.
(Next scene)
Back to the Sacred Obstacle Course. Tamino is hanging out with yet two more guys who apparently work for Sarastro.
TWO GUYS: Aha! The deadly fire and water test! You will surely never survive this!
TAMINO: I am noble and fearless! And way too damn pretty to get hurt.
He spends some time firing up the brain cells, setting the perfect Princely Hair smoking as he overworks the gears up in the Lead Tenor Supa-Smart Thinky Center. And because this couldn’t get any worse . . . Pamina comes in. Apparently Tamino can talk to her now. Even though he already has talked to her, during their OMGGGGGGG *angst* Trio with Sarastro. But really, is anyone even trying to follow the plot anymore?
TAMINO: ZOMG!
PAMINA: ZOMG! *tackleglomp*
This is deep and moving. Their love is such a beautiful flower.
PAMINA: I’m here to help!
TAMINO: YAY! *lolz*
Aww, how cute. Together, the princess and his girlfriend . . . walk past some red light and then walk past some blue light and OH COME ON YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST HAD REAL FIRE OR CROCODILES OR FUCKING RABID SQUIRRELS OR SOMETHING. THAT WAS TOTALLY LAME. I HATE ALL OF YOU AND YOUR FUCKING LOW BUDGETS.
A choir sings a song of praise.
CHOIR: Shit, they made it.
And everyone leaves.
(Next scene)
Back on the forest moon of Endor, Papageno whines about losing Papagena. He spends four pages telling us that he’s going to hang himself in misery. DO IT!
PAPAGENO: No, seriously, I’ll do it! I will! I’m gonna do it! I have a rope right here! I’ll do it! Don’t try to stop me!
*nobody tries to stop him*
PAPAGENO: That’s it! I’m doing it! For real! I’m not kidding! I’m serious here! I’ll do it!
The Three Boys appear just in the nick of time. Gosh, it’s so suspenseful when that happens.
BOYS: What is it with you people? Come on, there’s going to be a big final chorus at the end, you can’t die now.
PAPAGENO: But omg, I don’t have a girlfriend!
BOYS: Ring your damn bells, dumbass.
PAPAGENO: Whoops. I forgot about those. *rings bells*
Papagena comes in. Wow, that was actually a lot easier than I thought it was going to be.
PAPAGENA: Pa!
PAPAGENO: Pa!
PAPAGENA: Pa pa pa!
PAPAGENO: Pa pa pa pa!
PAPAGENA: Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa!
PAPAGENO: Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa –
You get the picture. They sing some more about having lots of kids – way TMI there, guys – and then leave.
(Next scene)
All right! Woo! Finally, some sneakiness. Queen Shazaam and the three Pink Power Rangers are stealthing around the Sacred House Of Plotless with Token Black Guy.
MONASTATOS: OMG, shhhhhh! Remember, I help you and I get to marry your daughter.
QUEEN: Deal.
They hear thunder and water in the distance. Ooooooooohhh! Spooky!
ALL FIVE OF THEM: We’re gonna beat the shit out of Sarastro’s people! Fire up the Megazord! *a fully diminished Bb chord* DAMN IT, WE LOST!
They all go prancing offstage in what has to be the most anticlimactic battle scene ever devised because there WAS NO FUCKING BATTLE. Bb, Db, E AND G ARE NOT A FUCKING BATTLE. FUCK YOU ALL.
We kind of morph out of that place without really knowing how, and are now elsewhere. Oh, how nice - we’re back in the Sacred Lego Kingdom with Sarastro and his Sacred Posse, Tamino and Pamina, and some more Sacred People. I can’t tell if Papageno and Birdey-Wifey are there or not, but to be honest with you, I really don’t give a flying shit at this point.
And now there’s a wedding. I think. Wait, where’s Queen Vader? That was it? Are you kidding me? The woman hits F6 and she doesn’t even get an awesome stage death with fake blood and shrieking? That’s bullshit. I quit. This sucks. I am never singing the part of the Queen and you can’t make me.
And of course we need a big closing number, so everybody sings about Tamino and Pamina.
CHORUS OF VARIOUS SACREDISH PEOPLE: We now pronounce you Sassy Gay Friend and Whiny Princess. L’chaim.
The curtain falls and we end in Eb major. Because that’s exactly where we started. Now please excuse me. I have seen this opera four times. I’m going to go drink until I forget that any of it ever happened.
THE END. THANK YOU GOD.
I am currently playing celesta/glockenspiel in a production of the Magic Flute, and one of the ways I can make it through 2.5 HOURS OF MUSIC in which I play for a total of 5 minutes is to recite lines from your blog in my mind while watching the singers. Thank you for making this so much more enjoyable!
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